Note: The post below was originally posted in 2011. This is not a current post.
Wow. I’m not even sure where to start on this blog. I have a feeling this will be long…so bear with me.
Let me begin this by saying that God is good. Even when we in our finite minds don’t understand Him, He is good. He knows best. His timing is best. He loves us more than we can ever comprehend. This is some of what I have learned in the journey that I am about to describe. I pray that God will continue to use this experience to mold me into the person He wants me to be, as well as to allow me to use this to help others who are in the same situation.
In October 2009, Tanner and I decided that we would love to have a child. Since then, I have realized how silly we were in thinking we had control over this, but at the time, we decided that we were ready. Needless to say, it didn’t happen right away. The problem was obviously with me. I will spare the readers of this blog from specific details, but you are more than welcome to talk to me about it if you are interested. I will be happy to discuss it especially if you are experiencing similar issues.
During this time, we chose not to say anything to anyone. At first, this was mainly because my husband hates it when people announce that they are “trying to conceive.” You will have to ask him about his reasoning behind this, but needless to say, we kept this all to ourselves. The first few months were sad, but not terrible. I thought that surely it would happen the next month, and I continued thinking that for a while. 6 months later, I started getting worried. During this time, my best friend had a baby, and this only increased my maternal desires. Eventually I stopped wanting to tell people because I didn't want to get the "pity look." If you have ever been in a similar situation, you know what I'm talking about.
After about 8 months, my doctor decided to try a few medications. Some of the medicine (Clomid) is not safe to take for an extended amount of time. It may cause cancer, but at the same time, the percentage is almost equal for people who never have kids. If you are reading this, and you ever decide to take Clomid, let me warn you. You may or may not feel terrible. It really messed with my emotions, but other than that it was ok. Anyway, I took Clomid for 4 months, with no pregnancy. At the end of 4 months, my doctor was not comfortable keeping me on it, so he switched to a different medicine (Metformin). The odd thing about this medicine is that it is mainly used for diabetes. It is also used for polycystic ovarian syndrome, but I had not been diagnosed with that. I took Metformin for 5 months.
Tanner and I left for a vacation in Jamaica on June 22, 2011. I have to admit looking back on it, that I felt a little different while I was there. However, I had been disappointed several times before, and I tried not to even allow myself to think that being pregnant may be a possibility. We came home on June 29, 2011, and I was still feeling a little off. I did not want to take a test until I was absolutely sure that if I was pregnant it would come back positive.
We had plans to go to the lake on the 4th of July, and I knew I wanted to know by then so I wouldn’t ride the jet ski or the intertube if I really was pregnant. We decided that I would take a test that morning. I woke up before Tanner and decided I would go ahead and get it over with. I took the test, and it turned positive immediately!!! I woke Tanner to tell him, but we had to keep our excitement quiet because my mom was in town and staying at our house. We already knew that we didn’t want to tell anyone until I had my first doctor’s appointment, so somehow we managed to keep quiet.
I have never been so happy, amazed, in awe of God, etc. in all of my life. God did this. God knew that for some reason the timing was right now. God is developing the baby that I am carrying. He is using this trial in mine and my husband’s lives for His glory.
I wanted to write this for several reasons. The first being to give glory to God for the work that He has done in me. I have never been a patient person, and though I still cannot claim to be one, I have learned some patience over the last 2 years. He knew best. I also understand now more than ever how much He is in control, and I am not. The second reason is that I want people going through the same situation to know that they are not alone. I know how it feels. I even know what it feels like to find out that someone else around you is pregnant, and believe me I do not want to rub that in your face. I want to encourage you by saying, don’t give up and trust in God’s goodness and perfect timing. I know you have probably heard that God’s timing is best a thousand times, and it may even be one of your least favorite phrases at the moment. However, it is true. Even when we don’t understand and we are in pain, it is still true.
So with that, I leave you with a picture of my baby who is due to make his/her entrance into this crazy world on March 6, 2012.
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